Loyal Subjects,
In a world full of ego-centrism and narcissism, further fueled by social media, I am hesitant to add my thoughts to the meaningless chatter of the internet. But since Mom and Dad are passed out on the couch (they claim it's because I've kept them awake for the last four nights, but I'm guessing it's because of Dad's drinking problem), I thought I would sneak over to the computer and pen my first blog entry.
I address you as "subjects" because in the course of a mere four days, I have come to rule the Dalton household with an iron, albeit tiny, fist. I can only assume that you, loyal readers, will be the next to fall into subservient line. Anyone who doubts otherwise need only take one look at the glazed, zombie-like look in Mom's and Dad's eyes and watch them leap to do my bidding and the truth is evident: Jack's word is law.
All is not always well within the Kingdom, however. Sometimes I doubt the intelligence and competence of Mom and Dad. They don't even understand the simplest of instructions, such as: "Feed me!" "I have gas and it hurts!" and "Change my diaper!" They just look at each other with helpless expressions and say stuff like "I wish we knew what he wanted!" I honestly don't know how I can be more clear. Additionally, I have quickly grown weary of their conversations. All they talk about are sleep schedules, feeding schedules, how frequently they change my diapers... even the contents of my diaper. I cannot think of anything more peasant-like than these types of conversations.
Well, enough of criticizing my less-than-efficacious servants. We all have to play with the cards we are dealt with, and I am a patient and merciful Ruler.
Now. A little about myself. My birthdate was 1 April 2012. I was 7 lb 3 oz and 20 1/4 inches long. Most importantly of all my immediate post-birth stats, however, was my scoring of a 13 on the Apgar test (Sidenote: I got an extra three points because I karate-chopped the nurse who was measuring me in the throat). Apparently, I am also incredibly intimidating as well; once, I stared into Mom's eyes for an extended period of time and she started crying. People say I have Dad's eyes and Mom's length of limbs. I hope I did not, however, inherit their fumbling ways, because you should have seen them scrambling with my first diaper change. It was high comedy, and by "comedy" I actually mean "ineptitude" -- just because I pooped AND peed simultaneously, Mom was crying and Dad could barely hold my legs up. Talk about the embodiment of failure!
Some people (I call them simpletons) think that because I am a newborn, I have a simple personality, but they are completely wrong. I am a complicated man. A man of contradictions. I love being swaddled, but I immediately like to break loose from my swaddle and then cry about it; I scream when I want to be fed, but once I'm given the opportunity to eat, I immediately fall asleep. So like I said, I'm a complicated man. I snort like a bull when I'm agitated, I have the agility of a monkey, I growl like a tiger when I'm eating, and I have the strength of a bear. Greek origin myths should be written about me.
Well, I have wasted enough of my busy day, which consists of eating, sleeping, and pooping, addressing you serfs. Please stay tuned for further guidance from Emperor Jack.
With disdain,
Jack Dalton
In a world full of ego-centrism and narcissism, further fueled by social media, I am hesitant to add my thoughts to the meaningless chatter of the internet. But since Mom and Dad are passed out on the couch (they claim it's because I've kept them awake for the last four nights, but I'm guessing it's because of Dad's drinking problem), I thought I would sneak over to the computer and pen my first blog entry.
All is not always well within the Kingdom, however. Sometimes I doubt the intelligence and competence of Mom and Dad. They don't even understand the simplest of instructions, such as: "Feed me!" "I have gas and it hurts!" and "Change my diaper!" They just look at each other with helpless expressions and say stuff like "I wish we knew what he wanted!" I honestly don't know how I can be more clear. Additionally, I have quickly grown weary of their conversations. All they talk about are sleep schedules, feeding schedules, how frequently they change my diapers... even the contents of my diaper. I cannot think of anything more peasant-like than these types of conversations.
Well, enough of criticizing my less-than-efficacious servants. We all have to play with the cards we are dealt with, and I am a patient and merciful Ruler.
Now. A little about myself. My birthdate was 1 April 2012. I was 7 lb 3 oz and 20 1/4 inches long. Most importantly of all my immediate post-birth stats, however, was my scoring of a 13 on the Apgar test (Sidenote: I got an extra three points because I karate-chopped the nurse who was measuring me in the throat). Apparently, I am also incredibly intimidating as well; once, I stared into Mom's eyes for an extended period of time and she started crying. People say I have Dad's eyes and Mom's length of limbs. I hope I did not, however, inherit their fumbling ways, because you should have seen them scrambling with my first diaper change. It was high comedy, and by "comedy" I actually mean "ineptitude" -- just because I pooped AND peed simultaneously, Mom was crying and Dad could barely hold my legs up. Talk about the embodiment of failure!
Some people (I call them simpletons) think that because I am a newborn, I have a simple personality, but they are completely wrong. I am a complicated man. A man of contradictions. I love being swaddled, but I immediately like to break loose from my swaddle and then cry about it; I scream when I want to be fed, but once I'm given the opportunity to eat, I immediately fall asleep. So like I said, I'm a complicated man. I snort like a bull when I'm agitated, I have the agility of a monkey, I growl like a tiger when I'm eating, and I have the strength of a bear. Greek origin myths should be written about me.
Well, I have wasted enough of my busy day, which consists of eating, sleeping, and pooping, addressing you serfs. Please stay tuned for further guidance from Emperor Jack.
With disdain,
Jack Dalton
